Ellaphrog

♥══════†††════════════════♥️ 99.9% of you won't post this. When Jesus died on the cross he was thinking of you. If you're one of 0.1% that cares, put this on your profile. ♥══════†††════════════════♥ Why does death sound so appealing so often? Eyes stinging, throat burning and tight, I take a deep breath. Death. End it all. Pain. Too much pain in this world. So many people suffering with depression like me. Terrified. Scared I'll end it all and hurt the one person in this world that I love. I can't leave him. Pray. That's what he tells me to do when I feel this way. My chest hurts. It feels tight. I vaguely notice snot dripping from my nose. I wipe it off with the sleeve of my hoodie. Pray? Why does that seem so hard to do right now? A moan escapes my lips and I bang my head against the wall. I feel hot. My breath comes out quick and short. Why? Life is too hard. I'm scared I'll kill myself. But I want to. Hot tears sting my eyes and I clench my jaw. I feel a prick of guilt in my gut. Guilt that I want to destroy my life. The life God has given me. No matter how painful, getting to live is a gift. That thought provokes more sobs. I choke. My body shudders with each breath. I pull my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth, whimpering and trying hard to breathe. My ears seem to pick up every noise, yet dull them out at the same time. I rub the spot over my heart. It hurts. It's hard to live. I close my eyes tightly and plug my ears, trying to block out the footsteps coming from the rest of my family in the house. What would they do if they found my dead body on the floor of my room? Would they regret causing me so much pain? Or be glad that I'm finally gone and they don't have to deal with me anymore? I can't do it. I have to think about him. What would happen to him? Would me killing myself bring him to kill himself too? He's told me before he wouldn't be able to live without me. A strangled sound escapes from my lips. I can't hurt him. Killing myself wouldn't just end my pain. It'd bring him suffering. I can't do that to him. I love him too much. He gets so scared when I feel this way. Terrified that I will end my life. Destroy our chance of a future together. I can't do that. There might be pain now, but he promised to save me from it. Take me away from my family and give me a happy life. I want a chance at having a good life. With him, I'll be happy. I just need to hold out till I'm 18. Then I can get out. Get away from the pain. The feeling of being controlled. Not getting to make my own decisions. At least not the important ones. I don't get to chose the sports I play. They threaten to take away everything I love. I start rocking harder and I have to stuff my fist into my mouth to stiffle a scream. I'm trapped. I'm stuck. No control of my life. I'm their slave. They don't love me. They don't like hearing me sing. All because I don't have a good voice. They don't care that its my voice and that I'm thier daughter. Even he says I don't sound good. But he likes hearing me sing. Because it's my voice. And I'm just being myself. Not trying to sound good. Just having fun. He loves me. And my voice. Because it's my voice. My parents dont care that its my voice. They don't care that I'm being myself. I pull at my hair and force down a rising sob. The effort is painful, but I need to stop crying. When I finally stop shaking, I find it in me to pray. I close my eyes and tilt my head up to the ceiling. I ask for help. I ask Him to help me stop feeling this way. I tell Him I'm sorry for wanting to hurt my precious life He has given me. I feel a tear slip down my cheek as a verse comes to mind. "I love the Lord, because He hath heard my voice and my supplications," I say under my breath. "Thank you God," I add and open my eyes slowly. My heart still aches, but it's more of a numb like feel now. I rub my eyes and smile softly to myself. Praying really does make a difference. There is a God that loves me. And died for me. He loves me more than I could ever imagine, and my life belongs to Him. I won't ever end it. No matter what trials shall come. Because I know it's all part of a greater plan. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A text to me from a friend of mine, "If not for yourself, for God and for your boyfriend, keep living. There is a reason you live. Maybe you do not understand it. I do not either. But keep living. Whatever happens, your death could break your boyfriend. You know, it is hard to live already, and for people like us, it would be especially hard to live in a world without love. He would not want to live in a world without you. And you would not want to live in a world without him, either. And you know God is real. Like you have said, he gave you the gift of life. There is a reason for it, regardless of whether or not we understand it. Keep living. The LORD gives you hope. The LORD has saved you. The LORD will let you go; let you go from your family, and then from this life. You will be in heaven. You are going to be free from your family and from your life. Just wait." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From a fellow believer, (The message applys to more than just me) "Jesus is the Light of the world. Fill your mind with Him and He will dispel the darkness. Focus on His love for you as was demonstrated by His life and death on the cross. He would have died just for you. It is true. God has a good plan for your life - a plan to give you a future and a hope. When a negative thought comes into your mind, you can take it captive and bring it to Jesus. In the light of the truth of Scripture, it will be exposed as a lie. Once you see it for the lie it is, it no longer has power over you. Seek to replace lies with the truth from God's Word. If you persist in this, things will get better and better. Your outward circumstances may not change right away, but on the inside you will have a peace that passes all understanding and the joy of the Lord's presence will give you strength to go on and be an overcomer instead of allowing the lies of the devil to overcome you. You are precious and honored in God's sight, and He loves you."