10 Things That Will Stunt Your Chess Growth
Following the advice of masters can be hard work! A lot of their advice is different, because each master is a different person with different personalities and life experiences. Also, sometimes their advice entails not just studying but really putting your brain to the test by trying to accurately calculate reams and reams of lines, in your head, without moving the pieces!
What if there was an easier way?* What if instead of listening to masters, we just did the opposite of what amateurs, who are not improving, do! Eureka! We'd be a master in no time!
Along those lines ^ today, I present to you a satirical guide on how to stunt your chess improvement. A word of caution: this is purely for entertainment. Please don’t actually do these things unless your goal is to remain stuck where you are, or worse, forever!
*Unfortunately, I don't actually think there is an easier way. Taxing your brain is one of the keys to chess improvement IMHO, sorry 
*
As the old saying goes, "Everything in moderation." Chess is no exception. You'll notice that a lot of the "reverse lessons" that you glean from this blog are on both sides of a topic. Too much or too little of one thing is a recipe for disaster. The happy medium is what we're striving for!
Enough fluff, let's get to this list that is guaranteed to keep you at the same rating for years!
1. Play as Fast as Possible
Forget about thinking. Speed is your best friend. After all, who needs deep calculation when you can move a piece in less than a second? There's no way your opponent will be able to figure things out with as little time on the clock as they have. Just play quickly and confidently and the game is sure to be yours! Bonus points if you are playing with increment and your clock has more time on it, than what you started with!
2. Keep on Double Checking Your Lines
You have to make sure that your move is the best one. Why have confidence in your calculation and then learn from the game, if it doesn't turn out well, when you can just quadruple check your lines and make sure that you never mess up. You only have a few minutes left and your opponent has ample time to figure everything out? No worries, I'm sure you're so much better than them that you'll still be able to take down the full point!
3. Never Review Your Games
The past is the past—why dwell on it? Once a game ends, don’t bother looking at what went wrong (or right). Learning from your mistakes is overrated. The faster you forget, the sooner you can make the same mistakes again. Consistency is key!
4. Rely Solely on Engine Analysis
Engines are there to do the thinking for you, so why bother analyzing positions yourself? Just let Stockfish tell you the best move, and you’re set. Understanding why it’s the best move? That’s for people who have too much time on their hands. You’re busy playing more games! If your coach ever suggests a move that is not the #1 stockfish move, you should probably get a new coach. What's that thing the coach is saying, "The most practical move"? Who needs that, stockfish could wipe the floor with Magnus, I'm listening to the 'fish on this one!
5. If You're an Attacking Player, Don't Waste Your Time Studying Strategy
Tactics over strategy, always. If you see a chance to attack, go for it, regardless of the position on the board. Every position calls for a pawn storm, obvs! Who cares if you lose half your pieces? Sacrificing your queen for no compensation is a bold statement, and style points matter more than winning.
6. If You're a Positional Player, You Don't Need to Do Tactic Puzzles
You play the Catalan as White and go for stale Caro-Kanns as Black. Don't waste your time doing tactic puzzles. What good are getting those patterns in your brain?! The increased calculation skills? For what?! You're just going to win a weak pawn and grind your opponent down.
7. Play Against Much Weaker Opponents Only
Why challenge yourself when you can rack up easy wins against beginners? Dominating lower-rated players feels great and boosts your ego. Besides, you’ll never have to worry about being outplayed if your opponent doesn’t know what they’re doing.
8. Play Against Much Stronger Opponents Only (400+ higher rated)
Everyone knows, "No Pain, No Gain". It totally applies to chess. Don't worry what it will do to your confidence, you are strong like an ox! "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" as Kelly Clarkson coined*. Draws are always good when playing against much stronger opponents and playing for a draw will do wonders for your chess skills!
*Yes, I know it was Friedrich Nietzche, I'm in a sarcastic zone*
9. No Matter What, Always Try to Win Brilliantly
Endgames are boring, right? All that pawn pushing and king maneuvering is for old-school players. Focus on the middlegame fireworks. You're up a piece and a pawn, you can (and should) totally sac that Rook for unclear consequences. You’re in this for the thrill, not the grind of converting a winning position.
10. Blame Your Losses on Whatever Opening You Played; and Change it
The Queen's Gambit Declined (QGD) is just not for you. Your coach is saying that you played a few inaccurate moves, starting on move 4? The reason you lost and played those inaccurate moves was because the QGD just doesn't give off the right vibes. The King's Indian Defense (KID) seems lit! Just change over to it, I'm sure your kingside attacks will go over swimmingly and if it doesn't work out, just change to the Nimzo. No one control where you put your f8-Bishop! Don't worry about never getting a feel for the opening, as long as it gives the right vibes, that's all that matters.
In conclusion, if you follow these ten steps diligently, I'm sure that your chess rating will stay comfortably where it is—or even plummet! But seriously, these are common pitfalls that many players fall into, sometimes without realizing it. So, if you’re looking to improve, do the exact opposite of what I’ve outlined here. Play slower, study your games, and most importantly, embrace the journey of learning. Sometimes in order to improve you have to push yourself to the limit and sometimes it's right to take it easy and just enjoy learning. It's all about finding the happy medium, if you can find it, there’s no limit to how much you can grow.
This was a fun exercise for me, if you can think of any sarcastic advice, that we can all not follow, please share in the comments.
Don't do these 10 things so that you can:
Stay Impressive!
NM Craig C.
